Saul Goodman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
5055034455) wrote2013-04-01 01:01 pm
5055034455) wrote2013-04-01 01:01 pm
Entry tags:
[exsilium] contact
❝ This is Saul Goodman. Leave a message. ❞
❝ This is Saul Goodman. Leave a message. ❞
[She hates whatever part of her it is that moves into the hug, sinks into it, really, because she wishes she were better than this. She wishes this didn't seem to be a repeating pattern with her and Saul, even if this is so much worse than each other time before.
This time, when her fingers curl into his jacket, there's no anger in the gesture; it's more like desperation.
There's probably some irony in the fact that last time they were together, he held onto her to cry, and now she's doing the same to him.]
This time, when her fingers curl into his jacket, there's no anger in the gesture; it's more like desperation.
There's probably some irony in the fact that last time they were together, he held onto her to cry, and now she's doing the same to him.]
[Saul doesn't hate any part of her. Not even a little bit.
He holds her close, holds her tight, strokes her hair, and will stay here — in the middle of the damn hallway — as long as it takes her to either stop crying or decide that she doesn't want his arms around her anymore.
He hopes the former comes first and the latter comes... well. Preferably never.]
He holds her close, holds her tight, strokes her hair, and will stay here — in the middle of the damn hallway — as long as it takes her to either stop crying or decide that she doesn't want his arms around her anymore.
He hopes the former comes first and the latter comes... well. Preferably never.]
[It takes her a little while, but eventually she manages to stop crying and even out her breathing. She should pull back, pull away from him, but all that happens is that her grip on his jacket loosens a little.]
Why does this keep happening?
[Not just with him. This feels like something that keeps happening.]
Why does this keep happening?
[Not just with him. This feels like something that keeps happening.]
[Because she has too much faith in people, even after everything she's been through. That's what Saul thinks this all boils down to, and on some level, he's guilty of the same exact thing — otherwise, this scene wouldn't be playing out the way it is, with Saul sighing and kissing her head a few more times because past events have proven that to be the most effective approach...!]
I dunno, Steph.
I dunno, Steph.
[Whatever the reason, she's pretty sure it's also why she's still here, instead of having walked away so much earlier in this argument.]
I keep wanting to blame other people, but there's only one common factor, here.
[Maybe she's just broken.]
I keep wanting to blame other people, but there's only one common factor, here.
[Maybe she's just broken.]
You're a good person, neshomeleh. It's not your fault.
[Despite what he said earlier, when he wanted to make her feel as shitty as she made him feel. Similar as he might think they are, he really believes that she's good; and he believes he's a good person, too, in some ways. It's easy to overlook all that when a discovery like you helped poison a kid is made.
But he's trying.]
[Despite what he said earlier, when he wanted to make her feel as shitty as she made him feel. Similar as he might think they are, he really believes that she's good; and he believes he's a good person, too, in some ways. It's easy to overlook all that when a discovery like you helped poison a kid is made.
But he's trying.]
[She should tell him not to call her that, but she should also tell him to stop holding her, and she should definitely not be here, so what does it matter?]
That's not what you were saying before.
[It's not fair to point it out, when he was probably just trying to get her back for the way she was hurting him with her words, but she doesn't know what else to say.]
That's not what you were saying before.
[It's not fair to point it out, when he was probably just trying to get her back for the way she was hurting him with her words, but she doesn't know what else to say.]
Edited (sighs) 2013-08-30 14:22 (UTC)
I know what I said.
[He doesn't know what else to say, either, except for another "I'm sorry" that's lost in a mumble against her hair.]
[He doesn't know what else to say, either, except for another "I'm sorry" that's lost in a mumble against her hair.]
[Yeah, she knows what she said, too, and none of it changes anything.
It's selfish and stupid and why she keeps ending up in situations like this, but for a little while she pretends that there's nothing wrong, that she doesn't know Saul helped poison a kid, that they weren't just trying to tear each other apart with words. She just rests her forehead against his collarbone and holds on and breathes.
After long moments, and in a quiet voice:] I want to go home.
[Real home, not apartment #104. She wants the Babs that she knows better, she wants Cass, her mom, even Tim. She doesn't want to be in Exsilium anymore.]
It's selfish and stupid and why she keeps ending up in situations like this, but for a little while she pretends that there's nothing wrong, that she doesn't know Saul helped poison a kid, that they weren't just trying to tear each other apart with words. She just rests her forehead against his collarbone and holds on and breathes.
After long moments, and in a quiet voice:] I want to go home.
[Real home, not apartment #104. She wants the Babs that she knows better, she wants Cass, her mom, even Tim. She doesn't want to be in Exsilium anymore.]
[She has a point.]
Whatever. If you want to imagine me locking myself in a dark closet full of teddy bears whenever I'm sad, hey, who am I to tell you how to spend your free time?
Whatever. If you want to imagine me locking myself in a dark closet full of teddy bears whenever I'm sad, hey, who am I to tell you how to spend your free time?
[He doesn't. Because she's not there, because he'll probably end up dead-for-good, because he's pretty sure returning to life as he knew it six months ago means none of this ever happened and he won't remember a thing.
He might be miserable right now, but he's had more genuinely happy moments in this dump than he did back in ABQ — even when he was up to his eyes in Walter's money.
It seems so cliche when he thinks about it like that. Kidnapped from his own world and tossed into a war zone with next to nothing and bam, all of a sudden he's reevaluating his priorities and feeling guilt and regret and trying to figure out what it is he really, really wants out of life.
Ugh.
Talk about a mid-life crisis.]
I think people get sent back, sometimes. So maybe. A lot of us would miss you, though.
He might be miserable right now, but he's had more genuinely happy moments in this dump than he did back in ABQ — even when he was up to his eyes in Walter's money.
It seems so cliche when he thinks about it like that. Kidnapped from his own world and tossed into a war zone with next to nothing and bam, all of a sudden he's reevaluating his priorities and feeling guilt and regret and trying to figure out what it is he really, really wants out of life.
Ugh.
Talk about a mid-life crisis.]
I think people get sent back, sometimes. So maybe. A lot of us would miss you, though.
Okay, so that, except popped.
It looks like popcorn I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN IT
It looks like popcorn I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN IT
[A lot of us would miss you, and although she probably shouldn't be thinking of Ellie right now, that's where her thoughts go. How can she want to go home when she'd be leaving Ellie behind? She hates that she's even thinking about going home, but everything here just hurts too much.
Maybe she's the coward.]
You'd be better off without me.
[Is that true? She doesn't know anymore.]
Maybe she's the coward.]
You'd be better off without me.
[Is that true? She doesn't know anymore.]
I wouldn't be. I dunno about anyone else.
[He's thinking of Ellie, too, actually.
And all the other people who've come to count on Steph for something. Saul doesn't know who they all are, but he's sure the list of names is long.
He combs his fingers through her hair, idly and gently undoing some of the knots she'd created by tugging at it earlier.]
Who else is gonna deliver booze to my window or threaten to steal my cat? I mean, someone else could try, but it wouldn't be the same.
[She can't see it, but he's sure she can hear him smiling.]
[He's thinking of Ellie, too, actually.
And all the other people who've come to count on Steph for something. Saul doesn't know who they all are, but he's sure the list of names is long.
He combs his fingers through her hair, idly and gently undoing some of the knots she'd created by tugging at it earlier.]
Who else is gonna deliver booze to my window or threaten to steal my cat? I mean, someone else could try, but it wouldn't be the same.
[She can't see it, but he's sure she can hear him smiling.]
[Between his fingers in her hair, how exhausted she feels, and the stupid lines, she actually laughs. It's not much more than a huff of breath, but it's more genuine than the humourless laugh earlier.
This is so fucking stupid.]
I'm gonna take that cat one day, seriously.
[Just to spite him.
And after a pause, she adds:]
Can I ask you something?
[This is stupid, too, but after all the reveals and secrets being dragged out, there's something she's curious about.]
This is so fucking stupid.]
I'm gonna take that cat one day, seriously.
[Just to spite him.
And after a pause, she adds:]
Can I ask you something?
[This is stupid, too, but after all the reveals and secrets being dragged out, there's something she's curious about.]
[And all he can think is, thank God. Finally. Hearing her laugh, even for that second, is enough to make him finally relax a little — even in spite of the anxiety her question brings.
She better not touch Mike, though, or they are so never ever ever ever getting back together.]
Sure.
She better not touch Mike, though, or they are so never ever ever ever getting back together.]
Sure.
What's your real name?
[After everything else, the question is almost idle, like she could just be asking what he thinks the weather is going to be like tomorrow.
Saul Goodman just works too well for it to be true.]
[After everything else, the question is almost idle, like she could just be asking what he thinks the weather is going to be like tomorrow.
Saul Goodman just works too well for it to be true.]
[He laughs. It's not a snicker, not a chuckle — it's a full laugh that gets his shoulders shaking.
Damn it, Stephanie.
Propping his chin on her head, he sighs like this is the most painful admission ever.]
McGill.
Damn it, Stephanie.
Propping his chin on her head, he sighs like this is the most painful admission ever.]
McGill.
[That shouldn't be allowed, because it makes her smile, and she's just grateful that he can't actually see it.
She wants to be angry, still, but she's so tired of fighting with Saul.]
You're not even a little bit Jewish, are you?
[She suspected that already, but...]
She wants to be angry, still, but she's so tired of fighting with Saul.]
You're not even a little bit Jewish, are you?
[She suspected that already, but...]
Technically half. My mom was, but barely. I think she gave it up in college. Her parents, though — jeez. Every year at Passover, the same fight.
[And now he sounds a lot like his Jewish grandmother:] Are you coming to the seder this year? What do you mean, no? This is what happens when you marry and divorce a Gentile!
[Then, back to normal.]
Hanukkah was great, though.
[And now he sounds a lot like his Jewish grandmother:] Are you coming to the seder this year? What do you mean, no? This is what happens when you marry and divorce a Gentile!
[Then, back to normal.]
Hanukkah was great, though.
[It's her turn to laugh, a little more steadly now, even if it's not quite up to how she'd normally sound.
How does this keep happening, with them? The constant back and forth between high emotions and stupid fucking jokes. But even the jokes drag her back to what they were arguing about in the first place.]
Is there anything about you that isn't part of some act?
[Despite the question, her tone isn't angry like it might've been earler, she just sounds exhausted, wrung out, the same way she feels.
She wonders if he even likes the bright shirts and ties, or if they're just part of the image.]
How does this keep happening, with them? The constant back and forth between high emotions and stupid fucking jokes. But even the jokes drag her back to what they were arguing about in the first place.]
Is there anything about you that isn't part of some act?
[Despite the question, her tone isn't angry like it might've been earler, she just sounds exhausted, wrung out, the same way she feels.
She wonders if he even likes the bright shirts and ties, or if they're just part of the image.]
[He loves his bright shirts and ties. Completely unironically. That's why he had trouble landing a job in a legitimate firm in the first place — it's hard to practice law when no one takes you seriously.
But Saul is a problem solver, so what did he do?
Started his own and never looked back.
He wishes Steph didn't have her head against his chest. He's sure she can feel his heart pounding, and maybe she notices the way it seems to skip a beat before his smile fades and he responds.]
This isn't.
But Saul is a problem solver, so what did he do?
Started his own and never looked back.
He wishes Steph didn't have her head against his chest. He's sure she can feel his heart pounding, and maybe she notices the way it seems to skip a beat before his smile fades and he responds.]
This isn't.
Yeah.
[None of this is easy, being angry or being sad or even joking around seems to have so many sharp edges, when it comes to each other, but at least this feels more honest than the shouting.]
I'm starting to get that.
[It's not I believe you, not yet, and it won't be for a long time, but it's more than she could have said at the start of this conversation.]
[None of this is easy, being angry or being sad or even joking around seems to have so many sharp edges, when it comes to each other, but at least this feels more honest than the shouting.]
I'm starting to get that.
[It's not I believe you, not yet, and it won't be for a long time, but it's more than she could have said at the start of this conversation.]
[Is she really starting to get it, though?
Because he doesn't think she is.
Another squeeze, and then he loosens his hold around her like he's about to let her go, because he really, really should, but... doesn't. Not yet.]
Because he doesn't think she is.
Another squeeze, and then he loosens his hold around her like he's about to let her go, because he really, really should, but... doesn't. Not yet.]
Edited 2013-08-30 16:53 (UTC)
[And she should pull away, but all she does is bring a hand up to use her sleeve to rub at her eyes, since she's sure they must be at least a little bit red, after the crying.]
I'm still angry.
[She just... needs him to know that. She might not be acting it right now, because it's too hard to be furious when he's right in front of her, but it's there under the surface.]
I'm still angry.
[She just... needs him to know that. She might not be acting it right now, because it's too hard to be furious when he's right in front of her, but it's there under the surface.]
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