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№ 150



❝ This is Saul Goodman. Leave a message. ❞

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[controlledvariable]

[Ten minutes feels like a long time, but Steph doesn't protest or make any move to pull away from Saul, just keeps her arms wrapped around him and tries to comfort him as best she can.

Even when he goes quiet, she keeps rubbing slow, soothing circles between his shoulder blades, as if that might help.]

Hey. [quiet, and she still doesn't pull away.] What can I do?

[If there's anything.]

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I hate him.

[Does he mean Walter or Jesse?

Saul finally pulls back, wiping at his eyes and nose with his sleeve. He tries not to look at her; he's caught himself post-cry in the bathroom mirror a few times and he knows how freaky-looking his eyes can be when they're so red and when he's so angry. It's a stupid concern, but it's what makes him turn away from her and focus his attention on the floor.]

[controlledvariable]

[At first she thinks he means Walter, but there's something about the way he says it and the fact they were just talking about Jesse that makes her reconsider.

She thinks she might hate Jesse, too, if she was in the same position Saul is in.]

No you don't.

[Because if he did, he would've let Jesse kill himself.]

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I do, though.

[Pause.]

Maybe. A little.

[It sounds so stupid and weak, the way he says it. He shuffles over to the bed and sits — no, lies down, covering his face with his hands so he can rub at his eyes for a moment.]

God. I thought Walter leaving would fix everything, and look at what the fuck happened.

[controlledvariable]

[She knows he doesn't.

Steph lingers for a moment, before following him to the bed, perching on the side of it and resting a hand on his shoulder, because it's all she can think to do.]

Saul...

[She remembers telling him that it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want it, and she can't help but think that again.]

Jesse's never gonna be free of him that easily.

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Jesse's never gonna be free of him at all.

[Saul knows that, now. He was an idiot to think otherwise.

He presses his hands into his eyes until he sees stars, then drops them back to the bed and blinks the spots away. He's still not looking at her.]

What am I supposed to do?

[controlledvariable]

It's not impossible, but he's gotta want it.

[And that's the part she thinks Jesse isn't capable of. He might tell himself he wants to be free, might tell other people, but there's comfort in the familiarity of abuse, no matter how terrible that familiarity might be.]

I dunno. You either keep trying to help him or you cut him loose and try to tell yourself that whatever happens to him isn't your responsibility.

[But her tone suggests that she knows that might be impossible for Saul, that he's tangled up in this as much as Jesse is.]

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[That is impossible, though. Steph's not alone in thinking Jesse's not capable of wanting freedom, except Saul sees another side of it: it's not that Jesse doesn't want freedom; it's that Jesse doesn't think he deserves it.

Saul draws a shaky breath, slowly exhaling and silently counting the seconds until his lungs are empty. He needs to calm down.]

I'm not cutting him loose. I promised.

[controlledvariable]

[She strokes her hand along his arm, slow and steady, trying to help him calm down.]

Then you keep being there to pick up the pieces.

[She wishes she could help more, but if Saul can't really do anything, then what chance does Steph have?]

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[He doesn't know what response he was looking for, but that wasn't it.

When he finally does peer over at her, it's with a sigh that leaves him looking exhausted.]

Can I sleep here tonight?

[Not that he hasn't slept here before without asking first. She wasn't here when that happened, though.

...as far as he knows. She might have dropped in while he was asleep.]

[controlledvariable]

[She wishes she knew the right thing to say.]

Of course. [For all Helena's anger over the fact Steph told Saul about this place, she's never regretted it.] Want me to stick around?

[She's not gonna do anything stupid like get into bed with him, but she'll stay and keep him company if he wants.]

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[He almost says no, because she shouldn't have to take care of him.

But he nods yes, because he's worried the nightmares are going to start again.

Everything was going so well.]

[controlledvariable]

'Kay.

[Her smile is sympathetic, small, but she's making an effort for him.]

You want a cup of tea?

[Habits she's picked up from Ellie.]

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[It's nice to see. If he weren't in such a terrible mood, it might help.

But it doesn't.]

No thanks.

[All he wants to do right now is sleep. The look he gives her before turning onto his side is almost apologetic.]

[controlledvariable]

[Okay, so what she said about not being stupid enough to get into bed?

After a few moments of watching him, she can't think of any other way to fix this except to kick off her boots and climb in behind him. She leaves her hand on his arm, and isn't actually close enough to be pressed against him, she's just... there. Because she just wants to help, and wants to make it so he doesn't look so sad.]

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[Under normal circumstances, this would be awesome. Right now, it's just comforting. That's all.

He sighs again and — despite Steph's efforts to keep her distance — actually snuggles back against her before his breathing slows and he surrenders to sleep.]

[controlledvariable]

[She's not really surprised when he moves closer, but she knows there's no ulterior motive here, that it's just about comforting him, so she lets him.

She has no plans to sleep, but she'll stay for the night, even though she might slip out of bed eventually and just curl up in the chair by the desk. At least she'll be there.]