5055034455 | [exsilium] contact

[She considers asking again, for real, but the fact he's silent instead of moving on to another topic makes her think he's considering the question, so she keeps quiet, too.

And then he turns the question around on her, and she knew that was probably going to happen, but it doesn't make it easier to find an answer.]

That's kind of the thing, I'm not sure. [which she knows is kind of bullshit, so:] I just don't know if I'm cut out for the whole monogamy thing. And I felt so shitty, these last few months.

[She doesn't think she'll need to elaborate on what she means by that.]

But I don't wanna say no and have you agree just 'cause you don't wanna make me feel bad; that'd just be worse in the end.

[With a sigh, she pulls back enough that she can look at him.]

I mean-- Is this a relationship? Is that what you want? Because I do, I just... I've never done anything like this before.

[Whatever the hell this is.

She didn't even answer the question.]

[WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED.

This is worse than marriage.

wait no it's not lol

When she pulls back, he lifts a hand to comb his fingers through her hair while studying her expression.]

If it's a no, I'll understand, but I'm kinda hoping you won't get bored with me so quickly...

[Though it's possible, he guesses. Or, more possible than that, is that he'll somehow fuck this up.]

I want to be with you. So... yeah.

[The comment hurts a little, and it shows in the way she looks at him.

For a second, she's not sure why, but then she realizes it feels like an accusation, and not a fair one, because it feels like he's calling her fickle or callous. Like she's just going wander off after the next shiny thing that comes along, nevermind that she said she loves him. Or maybe she's hurt because she thought he'd get it, after how torn up she was over kissing him when she was supposed to be with Ellie.

It's not as if she got bored of Ellie and decided to fuck around with a man twice her age for fun.]

Nice to know what you really think of me.

[She draws away, out of reach and crosses her arms over chest.]

Hey — no, I didn't mean it like that.

[Batting a thousand already, this one. But that's not what he meant, not at all.

He reaches after her, but doesn't move.]

Sorry. I'm just a little paranoid, I guess.

[Just. A little. He guesses.]

You're amazing, Steph, and I know other people see it. So it's like... y'know, now that I've got you, I can't help thinking what if this and what if that and what if the other thing. It's just what I do. Contingencies, and all that.

[She just stares at him for a moment, trying to decide whether he means that or if he's just trying to dig himself out of the hole he fell into, but-- she has to trust him to be honest with her, as hard as that is.

Her posture relaxes, though she doesn't move back into his arms; it might be better to have this conversation with a little space between them.

At least she knows what to say to his explanation.]

I'm not amazing. [She's just her.] And I'm not gonna run off with some random guy. I love you, no one else is going to change that.

[Maybe saying that doesn't mean much, after what happened with her and Ellie, and her and him, but she stayed with Ellie, she tried so hard to be faithful and to make her happy, because she loved her, too.]

[Now feels like an apt time to play the three divorces card, but it also doesn't. So he stays quiet, watching her, and eventually drops his gaze to the floor.

He feels so silly, having a conversation like this when there's no yelling involved.]

I want you to be happy.

[She sighs, not annoyed or frustrated, just a little tired, before closing the distance between them again to rest a hand against his cheek.]

And I want you to be happy, but I need you to be honest with me about what you want. [a beat, like she's not sure she wants to say this next part, but she feels like she has to:] And I need you to not, I dunno, put me on a pedestal like I'm too good for you, or treat me like I'm some pretty jewellery someone's gonna steal.

[She's not sure if that's exactly what he's doing, but the whole you're amazing thing has her worried.]

Edited (okay that's better) 2013-10-10 23:57 (UTC)

[But she is too good for him, he thinks. A thousand miles out of his league.

He turns his head and kisses her palm.]

If we do get to that metaphorical bridge, can we cross it whenever that happens and not worry about it now?

[She wants to say no, that they should sort this out now, but she doesn't want to argue with him or end up with either of them upset. Not when they only just started working things okay.]

Sure. [her smile is somewhere between wry and rueful.] Just send me a text with yes/no ticky boxes if you wanna sleep with some other girl.

[jokes...!!]

[STEPH PLS

That gets her pulled into another hug.

He doesn't like feeling as vulnerable as Steph makes him feel, especially now that they're kind of sort of a little bit of a thing. Or a lot of a thing. Something.

Love makes fools of us all, etc. etc.

And since he doesn't want to start coming off as possessive and weird, he drops his arms to the side after this latest hug and smiles at her. Warmly.

Man, Cupid got him good this time.]

[She's glad for the hug, since it reassures her that she hasn't made things awkward or weird.

But he shouldn't be allowed to smile at her like that; it makes her chest feel tight.]

Are we good?

I think we're great.

[uGH SAUL STOP IT JUST STOP IT THIS IS SO GROSS

TYPING THINGS LIKE THIS MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE

FUCK

He's still smiling at her like that.

Sorry, Steph.]

[That's so cheesy.]

I don't mind if you wanna tell Jesse, by the way, it's not like he doesn't already know most of it.

[She's pretty sure he figured out she was in love with Saul before she even realised it.]

[That makes Saul laugh. It reminds him of the conversation he and Jesse had back at the cookie tent all those months ago, and how ridiculous it seemed then, and how ridiculous it still seems.

He can see the look on Jesse's face now.]

I'll tell him eventually.

Okay.

[Spoilers: she's going to tell him first.]

D'you think Remy would care?

[Sneaking around in empty rooms to have sex is one thing, but she'd like it if there was somewhere a little more hospitable for when they just want to talk.]

I have no idea.

[Lee probably wouldn't.

Gosh, he misses Lee.]

We could ask...?

That could be an interesting conversation.

[She doesn't think he'd mind all that much, but still.]

I'll talk to him, I kinda miss Mike.

[As if that is the only reason she wants to check that Remy is cool with her hanging out in their room a lot.]

["Interesting."

But oh, that reminds him:] Mike's here. Human Mike.

[He never expected he'd say that with such a fond smile, but there you go.]

[Oh, hey, that gets a smile from her, too.]

Does that mean Jesse's doing better?

[She worries.]

Much.

[Saul couldn't do it on his own, the fixing Jesse thing, but with Mike here now... the odds are improved, at least.]

And Skyler showed up this month, too. Walter's wife.

[He seems less happy about that, though it's not really an unhappy smile; he just looks a little sad. And scared.]

[That's good, and she nearly smiles except for the next bit of information that Saul drops on her.]

Shit, is she okay?

[Considering her husband.]

Um.

[The million dollar question.

Saul sits back down with a sigh, then runs a hand over his face.]

She's okay, yeah. Mostly. But everything else has gone to shit.

[She follows him, moving to straddle his lap. There's no ulterior motive in it, not now, it's just a way to stay a) close and b) facing him.

With a finger under his chin, she guides him to look up at her.]

Do you wanna talk about it?

[Because she won't push it, if he doesn't, but the offer is there.]

[He tilts his head up, but he's not meeting her gaze. Instead, his eyes are focused off to the side, and he leans back a little.]

Walter apparently kidnapped his baby daughter to get back at Skyler for refusing to run away with him. His DEA brother-in-law's dead, Jesse apparently spilled the beans about everything, and — yeah.

Fuck.

[That's all she can say for a second, but for all that she's worried about the rest of them in that world, there's one thing Saul didn't mention.]

Where are you in all this?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

r u ok

nooooooo

bb

;n;

patpat

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject