5055034455 | [exsilium] contact

I'm cold and depressed and angry. What do you expect? But I'm fine I guess. I'm going to find a mission or something I need to get the fuck out of here.

Sounds like a good plan to me. Get out, explore. Be useful. All those fun things.

Who are you staying with?

I'm not. And useful would be turning the heat back on around here but I dunno how to do that. Maybe there's a mission that involves getting a hotel room and sleeping I'd kill that. I'm not gonna help with war bullshit.

Put some feelers out and see who needs a roomie. I'd offer you space where I am, but Steph and I have a full house.

Alternatively, you could go back to the moon? It was warmer there. But I wouldn't mind it if you wound up close by so I'm sure someone (me) is at least feeding you.

It's not just the snow.

What else is it? The latest addition to the "shitty memories" pile?

Look I know people are supposed to just handle it when shit happens and I tried to but I don't think I can. they're not just memories. They're people. And they keep dying. over and over. and it's us. we're the ones who keep killing them. you want me to be okay with that? I'm not.

I'm not asking you to be okay with anything.

What I'm saying is, this isn't going to get easier.

I can give you the name of a doctor who was helping Jesse, if you want to give talking to someone qualified to help with this sort of thing a try.

Fuck that. If I ever find a way to accept it I want someone to hit me. I don't want to feel better. I should feel like shit. So should you. We should all feel like shit.

When did I say I don't feel like shit?

Who do you talk to about it?

Stephanie, a little. But I don't unload all of it onto her if I can help it — that's not fair. Too much to ask.

And when I'm not talking to her about this shit, I'm having some very lengthy conversations in my head.

Thinking of contacting Dr. Hoffman for a session or two myself, to be honest.

It was a week ago wasn't it

Yeah, why?

can't hide anymore

?

Never mind. I'll steal you some prozac when I'm getting the good stuff. or at least a couple klonopin

I'm good, but thanks for the offer.

I seriously think you should consider talking with Julia instead of going for the drugs. If she thinks you need them, then by all means take her advice.

She thinks I'm a dead prankster. Besides I never take scrips don't worry.

Worrying is my job.

Edited (sorry that first one sounded weird in my head...) 2013-12-21 04:52 (UTC)

you mean your schedule is clear now and you miss it?

[Ooh, someone's feathers just got ruffled.

Maybe he just read that the wrong way.]

And by that you mean what, exactly?

I didn't know what it was like at first but now I do. Spending all your time trying to keep someone from touching the stove and eating paint chips and whatever. When it stops you've got nothing.

[...okay, only slightly wrong. His next message comes after a bit of a delay.]

I have plenty. I have you, Steph, Lisbeth, Ahiru, Peeta, etc etc etc etc it's a very long list.

But this is what I do. It's like you're all my clients except instead of trying to keep you all out of prison, I'm trying to keep you safe and happy. Like what people do for their families. right? you're all my family now and yes, losing people — family or otherwise — sucks, whether they've died or gone home or whatever, but c'est la vie.

I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm just shrugging this all off like it's no big deal. I know it's a huge deal. I know you're hurt. I am too. I'm 99% sure all of us are in some way or another.

But my point here is that you shouldn't think of it like not having someone to worry about, it's that you should think of it as a chance to honor that person's memory by doing for someone else what you couldn't do for them.

ok listen. read. whatever. it was nice that you wanted to make me breakfast before the world became even more of a nuclear wasteland than it was. smoking you up was cool. we had some laughs. you took that stupid will I wrote in the hospital and lawyered it up and that was all great. so thanks. for that stuff. but my family they are in Baltimore like a thousand years ago or more. and they don't really like me anyway but they're you know. family. I think maybe you should talk to that doc, yeah. I'm gonna see if she needs anything when I go do the thing so just hang in there alright

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5055034455 - 2013-12-21 05:37 (UTC) - Expand

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lazyinlove - 2013-12-21 05:40 (UTC) - Expand