5055034455 | [exsilium] contact

[Saul doesn't respond to that text. He doesn't give her the heads-up that he's running late, either, and he doesn't tell her when he's on his way a little after 9 o'clock. He just shows up, knocking softly as he enters.

He's dressed down, his hair is pushed back, and he looks an awful lot like someone who's been put through the wringer.

It's too bad no one ever told him how to get rid of that puffy, red, watery-eyed look that people get after crying, but he suspects that even if someone had, it wouldn't do much good for a guy like him who's been crying on and off all goddamn day.]

[Steph's been running through a few exercises to keep herself entertained while she waits, but she stops as soon as she hears the knock, jogging over to the door to let in him.

She doesn't say anything about the state he's in, just steps back so he can come inside.]

Wanna talk about it?

[Or they can not, and she'll just give him a hug or something.]

[He doesn't know what he wants. He wants to talk, but he doesn't trust himself to speak without breaking down again; he doesn't want to talk, because that would just turn into an admission that he's terrified. He wants Walter to stay gone forever, he wants Walter to come back. He wants Jesse to be okay, but Jesse will never be okay unless Saul lets him go and he doesn't want to let him go, he doesn't want to tell him that it's okay to die because it's not —

A hug seems like a great idea.

So he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her in. It's more like he's clinging to her than hugging her, though.]

[It's not really a surprise, and she moves into the hug without hesitation, winding her arms around his middle, one hand at the small of his back and the other rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades, as if that might help.

She doesn't know what to say, but she thinks that might not matter right now, that it's the physical comfort is more important than anything she could say.

Something obviously went horribly wrong, and considering Saul looks fine physically, she has to assume that things went bad with Jesse finding out.]

[It does help, actually, enough that he sighs and slumps against her a little, eyes slipping closed.

He's exhausted.

Cheek against her hair, he remains in place for what feels like an hour. In reality, it's only a few minutes — a few minutes he spends trying to find the words to explain what happened, even though there's only one way to say it and that's to just say it.

When he finally speaks, he does it without pulling away, and his voice is uncharacteristically quiet.]

Jesse almost —

[Wait, no.

He still can't do it.]

[She'll wait as long as she needs to, just holding onto him until he's ready to talk or ready to pull away or - anything. Maybe she shouldn't do things like this, when she was trying so hard to keep things casual between them, but she can't ignore a friend when they're upset.

At what Saul says, she frowns, but doesn't pull back.]

What did he do, Saul?

[Her voice is gentle, but the concern is clear, and the first thought in her head is that Jesse tried to hurt him.

She realizes, almost idly, that if Jesse tried to hurt Saul, she'd kill him.]

[Here's how you know there's a huge problem: Saul's mind is so far from everything that happened between them that Steph could hold him for the entire night and he'd still be thinking about Jesse.]

He was gonna kill himself. If I didn't —

[No, that's not true. Jesse might not have tried to do it if Saul hadn't shown up. Maybe he would have sat like that all day, poised and ready to go but frozen in place.

Maybe it's Saul's fault.

Saul said it himself, didn't he? He helped Walter. He helped Walter cover his tracks and hide from the police and Jesse. He helped ruin Jesse's life. So really, there's no "maybe."

Jesse's blood is already all over his hands.

Just when he thought he was done crying for the day, there he goes again.]

[That's-- She's not sure what that is, and any response she might have struggled to make is lost as soon as Saul starts crying. She has no idea if he's scared for Jesse, or if he's feeling guilty or angry or something else entirely, so she just hugs him tighter.

She doesn't point out that it wouldn't matter what Jesse tried to do, that he'd come back, because she knows that it doesn't change anything. Instead, she murmurs comforting nonsense words, it's alright, and I've got you. She knows it's not really the content that matters, so much as the sound of her voice and the reassurance that someone's there.

She'll keep holding him for as long as he needs her to be there.]

[He's scared, he's guilty, he's angry at Jesse and at Walter and at himself especially and he doesn't want to be here. Here in her arms, here in Exsilium, maybe even here at all, a little bit.

Whether the Initiative would have brought Jesse back or not doesn't matter. What matters is that the more Saul thinks about it, the more he's sure Jesse waited for him to show up. To take care of everything after. That's not his fucking job. This is not what he signed up for.

Anyway, it's bad enough Steph has to deal with him when he's in his good moods — this feels like asking for too much from her, and that's the only thing that finally quiets him after ten minutes of sniveling.]

[Ten minutes feels like a long time, but Steph doesn't protest or make any move to pull away from Saul, just keeps her arms wrapped around him and tries to comfort him as best she can.

Even when he goes quiet, she keeps rubbing slow, soothing circles between his shoulder blades, as if that might help.]

Hey. [quiet, and she still doesn't pull away.] What can I do?

[If there's anything.]

I hate him.

[Does he mean Walter or Jesse?

Saul finally pulls back, wiping at his eyes and nose with his sleeve. He tries not to look at her; he's caught himself post-cry in the bathroom mirror a few times and he knows how freaky-looking his eyes can be when they're so red and when he's so angry. It's a stupid concern, but it's what makes him turn away from her and focus his attention on the floor.]

[At first she thinks he means Walter, but there's something about the way he says it and the fact they were just talking about Jesse that makes her reconsider.

She thinks she might hate Jesse, too, if she was in the same position Saul is in.]

No you don't.

[Because if he did, he would've let Jesse kill himself.]

I do, though.

[Pause.]

Maybe. A little.

[It sounds so stupid and weak, the way he says it. He shuffles over to the bed and sits — no, lies down, covering his face with his hands so he can rub at his eyes for a moment.]

God. I thought Walter leaving would fix everything, and look at what the fuck happened.

[She knows he doesn't.

Steph lingers for a moment, before following him to the bed, perching on the side of it and resting a hand on his shoulder, because it's all she can think to do.]

Saul...

[She remembers telling him that it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want it, and she can't help but think that again.]

Jesse's never gonna be free of him that easily.

Jesse's never gonna be free of him at all.

[Saul knows that, now. He was an idiot to think otherwise.

He presses his hands into his eyes until he sees stars, then drops them back to the bed and blinks the spots away. He's still not looking at her.]

What am I supposed to do?

It's not impossible, but he's gotta want it.

[And that's the part she thinks Jesse isn't capable of. He might tell himself he wants to be free, might tell other people, but there's comfort in the familiarity of abuse, no matter how terrible that familiarity might be.]

I dunno. You either keep trying to help him or you cut him loose and try to tell yourself that whatever happens to him isn't your responsibility.

[But her tone suggests that she knows that might be impossible for Saul, that he's tangled up in this as much as Jesse is.]

[That is impossible, though. Steph's not alone in thinking Jesse's not capable of wanting freedom, except Saul sees another side of it: it's not that Jesse doesn't want freedom; it's that Jesse doesn't think he deserves it.

Saul draws a shaky breath, slowly exhaling and silently counting the seconds until his lungs are empty. He needs to calm down.]

I'm not cutting him loose. I promised.

[She strokes her hand along his arm, slow and steady, trying to help him calm down.]

Then you keep being there to pick up the pieces.

[She wishes she could help more, but if Saul can't really do anything, then what chance does Steph have?]

[He doesn't know what response he was looking for, but that wasn't it.

When he finally does peer over at her, it's with a sigh that leaves him looking exhausted.]

Can I sleep here tonight?

[Not that he hasn't slept here before without asking first. She wasn't here when that happened, though.

...as far as he knows. She might have dropped in while he was asleep.]

[She wishes she knew the right thing to say.]

Of course. [For all Helena's anger over the fact Steph told Saul about this place, she's never regretted it.] Want me to stick around?

[She's not gonna do anything stupid like get into bed with him, but she'll stay and keep him company if he wants.]

[He almost says no, because she shouldn't have to take care of him.

But he nods yes, because he's worried the nightmares are going to start again.

Everything was going so well.]

'Kay.

[Her smile is sympathetic, small, but she's making an effort for him.]

You want a cup of tea?

[Habits she's picked up from Ellie.]

[It's nice to see. If he weren't in such a terrible mood, it might help.

But it doesn't.]

No thanks.

[All he wants to do right now is sleep. The look he gives her before turning onto his side is almost apologetic.]

[Okay, so what she said about not being stupid enough to get into bed?

After a few moments of watching him, she can't think of any other way to fix this except to kick off her boots and climb in behind him. She leaves her hand on his arm, and isn't actually close enough to be pressed against him, she's just... there. Because she just wants to help, and wants to make it so he doesn't look so sad.]

[Under normal circumstances, this would be awesome. Right now, it's just comforting. That's all.

He sighs again and — despite Steph's efforts to keep her distance — actually snuggles back against her before his breathing slows and he surrenders to sleep.]

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controlledvariable - 2013-08-31 06:07 (UTC) - Expand

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